Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
me doing my best
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won