Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
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If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*