Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.