her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.