Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
You Might Also Like
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
January has been Januweary
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.