The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Google Pay be like:
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I’d use my best pan on you.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.