I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges