Accurate
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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.