It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats