Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
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Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE