With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Finally!
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What