Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
another case of gang violins
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.