Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Every time.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
The answer is funnier than the question
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.