her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first