My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.