There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Webb. James Webb.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.