haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000