My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
#catsoftwitter
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My teenage children choosing violence
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again