I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer