I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.