My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Air conditioning – not a fan
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
blocked.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Bill is short for Billiam
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My work here is done
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”