Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I created you as mosquito food.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?