if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
LOL
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.