Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.