When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Oh we’ve met.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know