The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
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If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
#milo
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.