you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Finished stitching this today 😇
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!