[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely