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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
i smell a pulitzer
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.