dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
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βNo one told me we were picking weapons today. Whatβs left?β
– Donatello
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughterβs voice from the backseat, βwow, thatβs a lot of recitals.β
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My 2-year old son wears a βJurassic Parkβ t-shirt like heβs some big fan but I know for a fact heβs never seen it.
Donβt be a poser bro
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Why donβt Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughterβs Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I canβt sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*trying to explain to the dog why we arenβt keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know youβre colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. youβre going to obliterate the vibe.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so Iβll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come overβ¦ make your reservations quickly
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isnβt your eyesight going bad
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
A Person Who Cares has informed me thereβs a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said βitβs not just for balloons,β which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
People in horror movies be like βthis weapon just saved my life, Iβm gonna toss it aside nowβ
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Canβt wait to celebrate our love with you!
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing