I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.