I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Before & after 😅
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7