Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I only treason on days ending in y
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.