“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
meanwhile over on facebook
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
A double negative is a big no-no.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives