Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Happy thanksgiving!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.