ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.