Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times