I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.