8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I need this for my side hustle.
Never ghost your hitman.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
If looks could kill
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am