[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
opening twitter today
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”