I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I am, perchance
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.