If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
How funny!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
#StillHurts
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank