*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
You Might Also Like
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs