My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.