Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date