•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
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They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist