When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
happy valentine’s day to me
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
this makes me so uncomfortable
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.