Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
You Might Also Like
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
No, I don’t think I will.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.