I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You Might Also Like
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
when nothing goes right… go left
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
That’s no pocket rocket.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that