This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
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Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Tony Hawk, age 6
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫